The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[vreihen16]

American TV personality Jerry Springer passed away earlier this week. I was wondering why the flags at trailer parks were all flying at half-staff.....

[BMWGUYinCO]

A little known fact is that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

[M5Rick]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

[StunnedMonkey]

A guy is in a doctor's office for an exam...

Doctor: Listen, I know you're not going to want to hear this, but I'm going to have to recommend that you stop masturbating.

Patient: What? I don't understand, Doc, why?

Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you.

[vreihen16]

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.

On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from.....

[M5Rick]

With the rise in self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

[Esteban]

A man tells his doctor "Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!"

The doctor replies "sorry, I don't follow you."

[Esteban]

Q: what do you get from a pampered cow?

A: spoiled milk.

[Lady Jane]

Irish funeral.

There were two evil brothers from Dublin. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same
church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could
he see right through the brothers' deception but he also spoke well
and true and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising
campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother
sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him
a cheque for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say
my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited
the cheque.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was
an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family."
After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,

"But compared to his brother, he was a saint."

[vreihen16]

I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I struggled to make hens meet.

[M5Rick]

I can't believe I was fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

[Esteban]

🍒

[Esteban]

What did the leper say

to the sex worker?

Keep the tip

[3.0L]

.

[M5Rick]

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

[Esteban]

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

[vreihen16]

They’re having a poll for the people to select a new motto for Washington State. Among the candidates:

“Sunburn Free Since 1889”

“The Moss is Greener Here”

“Where Even Rolling Stones Gather Moss”

“Where the Skies All Cloudy All Day”

“April Showers Bring May Showers”

[M5Rick]

A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the work day.

[Lady Jane]

Q: What do you call a Chevy Chevette identifying as a sport car?

A: Trans Am.

[Llarry]

My new girlfriend accused me of lying when I said I drove a Vette.

I told her "Hey, it's a Chevette!"

[M5Rick]

^ I got one Llarry and it happened in real life.. driving with my girl friend at the time in a Porsche 9 series I got carried away explaining to her the excellent way the car handles and she replied that I was a poseur, obviously she wasn't used to dating a car guy!

[M5Rick]

There's a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Paul.