The joke thread, pics are not necessary

Buug959 · 03-24-2023, 09:17 AM

I once tried to works as a scarecrow but hay, it's just not in my jeans.

Buug959 · 03-24-2023, 09:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by M5Rick

A wonderful bird is the pelican
His bill holds more than his belican
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican

FTFY

DocL · 03-24-2023, 10:36 AM

Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been pretty concerned in your PMs. Thank you for that.

He's taken going to jail pretty hard. He's refusing all food, he's swearing and screaming and is highly unpleasant with anyone who comes near him. He's graffitied the walls and is refusing to wear clothes.

As a family we are pretty united in our decision never to play Monopoly with him ever again. ��

Esteban · 03-24-2023, 12:29 PM

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex.

A: Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes her hole weak.

M5Rick · 03-24-2023, 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buug959

FTFY

Well spotted Buug959!

DocL · 03-25-2023, 10:13 AM

What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? The taste.

M5Rick · 03-25-2023, 04:53 PM

There once was a lady named Ferris
Whom nothing could ever embarrass
'Til the bath salts one day,
in the tub where she lay,
turned out to be Plaster of Paris.

R BMW · 03-28-2023, 01:38 PM

Fluffy

M5Rick · 03-29-2023, 06:43 AM

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese-monger's shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

M5Rick · 03-31-2023, 03:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buug959

I once tried to works as a scarecrow but hay, it's just not in my jeans.

Probably would have scared the crows if you tried it

Buug959 · 03-31-2023, 05:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by M5Rick

Probably would have scared the crows if you tried it

There's no doubt in my mind.

M5Rick · 03-31-2023, 06:32 AM

A flee and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly,''let us flee!''
''Let us fly!'' said the flea
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

M5Rick · 04-04-2023, 05:28 AM

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

BMWGUYinCO · 04-04-2023, 01:06 PM

I've attended 3 conferences on electricity so far this year.

I guess you could say I like to keep up to date on current events.

BMWGUYinCO · 04-04-2023, 01:08 PM

Boarding school taught me how to get on an airplane.

2000cs · 04-04-2023, 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BMWGUYinCO

I've attended 3 conferences on electricity so far this year.

I guess you could say I like to keep up to date on current events.

I only made it to the first two. The first was electrifying, but the second was just revolting.

vreihen16 · 04-04-2023, 07:14 PM

Shocking.....

BMWGUYinCO · 04-05-2023, 05:57 PM

Inspecting mirrors is a job I can see myself doing....

CarsAndGuitars · 04-05-2023, 09:28 PM

I have far too many of these..

Sweden recently started putting barcode on their fleet of ships. It's so they can Scandinavian.

I was in a band called The Hinges. We opened for The Doors

Just finished reading a book on how to fall down the stairs.
It's a step by step guide

I got into a fight with my wife on an elevator. I was wrong on so many levels

The man who invented the umbrella was first planning to name it “brella”.
But he hesitated.

CarsAndGuitars · 04-05-2023, 10:38 PM

F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?
7H15 M3554G3
S3RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 15
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.

M5Rick · 04-06-2023, 12:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CarsAndGuitars

F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?
7H15 M3554G3
S3RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 15
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.

Figuratively speaking that makes sense.

3.0L · 04-07-2023, 06:03 PM

"That's more difficult than picking fly crap out of a pepper shaker while wearing boxing gloves."

03-24-2023, 09:17 AM	#1035
Buug959 Captain 15335 Rep 872 Posts Drives: 335xi E90, GMC Sierra, VW Golf Join Date: Jun 2020 Location: Nova Scotia iTrader: (0)	I once tried to works as a scarecrow but hay, it's just not in my jeans. __________________ Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!
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03-24-2023, 10:36 AM	#1037
DocL Captain 1864 Rep 829 Posts Drives: 2018 M3 Join Date: Jan 2019 Location: S Fla iTrader: (2)	Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been pretty concerned in your PMs. Thank you for that. He's taken going to jail pretty hard. He's refusing all food, he's swearing and screaming and is highly unpleasant with anyone who comes near him. He's graffitied the walls and is refusing to wear clothes. As a family we are pretty united in our decision never to play Monopoly with him ever again. �� __________________ 2018 F80 M3. YMB/BLK. ZCP. Three Pedals. "Education will never be as expensive as ignorance."
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03-24-2023, 12:29 PM	#1038
Esteban Major General 37439 Rep 7,221 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex. A: Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes her hole weak. __________________
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03-25-2023, 10:13 AM	#1040
DocL Captain 1864 Rep 829 Posts Drives: 2018 M3 Join Date: Jan 2019 Location: S Fla iTrader: (2)	What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? The taste. __________________ 2018 F80 M3. YMB/BLK. ZCP. Three Pedals. "Education will never be as expensive as ignorance."
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03-25-2023, 04:53 PM	#1041
M5Rick Lieutenant General 54537 Rep 17,914 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0)	There once was a lady named Ferris Whom nothing could ever embarrass 'Til the bath salts one day, in the tub where she lay, turned out to be Plaster of Paris. Last edited by M5Rick; 03-26-2023 at 08:46 AM..
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03-28-2023, 01:38 PM	#1042
R BMW Second Lieutenant 805 Rep 265 Posts Drives: 2014 328Xi GT, 2020 X3 MC Join Date: Apr 2019 Location: Minnesota iTrader: (1) Garage List 2020 BMW X3 M Comp [0.00] 2014 328Xi GT [10.00]	Fluffy
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03-29-2023, 06:43 AM	#1043
M5Rick Lieutenant General 54537 Rep 17,914 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0)	One Saturday morning at three, A cheese-monger's shop in Paree Collapsed to the ground With a thunderous sound Leaving only a pile of de brie.
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03-31-2023, 06:32 AM	#1046
M5Rick Lieutenant General 54537 Rep 17,914 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0)	A flee and a fly in a flue Were imprisoned, so what could they do? Said the fly,''let us flee!'' ''Let us fly!'' said the flea So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
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04-04-2023, 05:28 AM	#1047
M5Rick Lieutenant General 54537 Rep 17,914 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0)	Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
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04-04-2023, 01:06 PM	#1048
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 3811 Rep 256 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	I've attended 3 conferences on electricity so far this year. I guess you could say I like to keep up to date on current events.
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04-04-2023, 01:08 PM	#1049
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 3811 Rep 256 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	Boarding school taught me how to get on an airplane.
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04-04-2023, 07:14 PM	#1051
vreihen16 Recovering Perfectionist 13538 Rep 914 Posts Drives: 2015 BMW i3 BEV Join Date: Jun 2019 Location: Orange County, NY iTrader: (0) Garage List 2014 Mighty Freight ... [0.00] 2015 BMW i3 BEV [0.00] 2000 Audi TT Quattro [0.00] 1967 Formula Vee [0.00]	Shocking..... __________________ 2015 BMW i3 BEV, Giga World (Lodge interior), Tech/Driving Assist Packages, 28K miles
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04-05-2023, 05:57 PM	#1052
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 3811 Rep 256 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	Inspecting mirrors is a job I can see myself doing....
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04-05-2023, 09:28 PM	#1053
CarsAndGuitars Lieutenant 2037 Rep 542 Posts Drives: 2022 M240i Join Date: Mar 2022 Location: South FL iTrader: (0)	I have far too many of these.. Sweden recently started putting barcode on their fleet of ships. It's so they can Scandinavian. I was in a band called The Hinges. We opened for The Doors Just finished reading a book on how to fall down the stairs. It's a step by step guide I got into a fight with my wife on an elevator. I was wrong on so many levels The man who invented the umbrella was first planning to name it “brella”. But he hesitated. __________________ 2022 BMW M240i Portimao Gone: 2020 Genesis G70 3.3T \| 2018 Audi A5 SportBack \| 2015 Challenger Scat Pack \| 2011 Mustang V6 \| numerous others..
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04-05-2023, 10:38 PM	#1054
CarsAndGuitars Lieutenant 2037 Rep 542 Posts Drives: 2022 M240i Join Date: Mar 2022 Location: South FL iTrader: (0)	F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng? 7H15 M3554G3 S3RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 15 R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15. __________________ 2022 BMW M240i Portimao Gone: 2020 Genesis G70 3.3T \| 2018 Audi A5 SportBack \| 2015 Challenger Scat Pack \| 2011 Mustang V6 \| numerous others..
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04-07-2023, 06:03 PM	#1056
3.0L Colonel 8524 Rep 2,004 Posts Drives: M235i, 20k miles Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: California iTrader: (0)	How to explain a difficult task "That's more difficult than picking fly crap out of a pepper shaker while wearing boxing gloves." __________________ ///M235i \| Mineral Grey Metallic \| Premium Package \| Technology Package \| Driver Assistance Package \| Dakota Coral Red/Black Leather \| Harman/Kardon Premium 360 watt sound system \| 8-speed automatic Frog: "Time is fun when you're having flies"
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