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      03-31-2024, 07:32 PM   #1409
Pauly Wauly
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My wife asked me to grab her something from the hotel breakfast, and when I asked for suggestions, she said "you know what I like."

I`ve never been so scared in my whole life.
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      04-04-2024, 07:39 AM   #1410
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As a kid I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain.
Then I got social media.
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      04-05-2024, 04:39 AM   #1411
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A couple in their twilight years are half snoozing in their bed.
Wifey- I was dreaming I was at Walmart..
Hubby- I was dreaming I was with 3 women.
Wifey- was I there?
Hubby- No, you were at Walmart.
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      04-09-2024, 12:57 PM   #1412
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It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
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      04-10-2024, 07:02 PM   #1413
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My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet.

He found that the problem was excessive hair in his ears.

So he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady that if she wanted to keep the problem from recurring she should get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemists and bought some Nair hair remover.

At the counter the male assistant told her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.'

The lady said, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'

The male assistant says, 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.'

The lady said, 'I'm not using it on my legs either. And if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'

The male assistant said, 'Well, stay off your bike for a week.'
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      04-13-2024, 11:36 AM   #1414
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And in other news the sexual position formerly known as "69" will now be called "96".
Due to the economy the cost of eating out has gone up.
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Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!
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      04-19-2024, 06:41 PM   #1415
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A judge is about to pass sentence on a man:

Judge: "The defendant will rise. You have been found guilty of the heinous crime of murdering your wife by means of blows to the head with a hammer".

A man shouts out from the public gallery: "Bastard!".

The judge looks up at him, disapprovingly, and, looking at the defendant, continues:

'You have further been found guilty of the crime of murdering all your children, by means of blows to the head with a hammer"

The man in the public gallery shouts out again: "You f*g bastard!"

The judge replies: "Silence in my court, these outbursts will not be tolerated", and turning to the defendant: continues "You have further been found guilty, by a majority verdict, of the merciless slaughter of your mother-in-law, and her husband, by means of blows to the head with a hammer".

'You Bastard!" the man in the public gallery shouts out again.

The judge says: "Clerk of the court, bring that man down before me". When the man is in front of him, the judge says: " before I pass sentence on you for contempt of my court, do you wish to say anything?"

To which the man replies: "I'm sorry, your honour, but I've been living next door to that man for 10 years, and every time I ask to borrow a hammer, he says he hasn't got one,"
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      04-21-2024, 04:20 PM   #1416
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^ Was the defendant’s name Maxwell, by any chance?
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      04-22-2024, 05:07 PM   #1417
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A group of aeronautical professors on the way to a conference were sat on a plane.
When the doors closed and the plane is about to take off, all the professors were informed that this plane was made by their students. Then all the professors rush toward the plane doors, trying to escape and survive on their own with exception of One professor who remain seated with so much confidence and calmness.
Someone's asked him why you're not escaping the plane.
Professor answered him with confidence, they are my students.
Next Question: are you sure that you taught them well?
Professor replied quietly: I'm Sure it won't fly.
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      04-22-2024, 07:48 PM   #1418
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Borrowing a ladder

I walked into my neighbor's garage to ask if I could borrow his ladder. He pointed at it and said, "That? No, that's my step ladder. I never met my real ladder."
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      04-23-2024, 07:29 PM   #1419
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One day the teacher challenges the class to construct a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it.
Little Mary was the first to raise her hand. 'Yes Mary?' Asks the teacher. 'My little brother had the measles and my Mam said to beware, as they are contagious.' 'Well done' says Teacher.

At the back of the class was Jimmy, picking his nose and flicking the snot at Mary. 'Come on Jimmy,' says Teacher, 'Can you think of a sentence with the word contagious in it?'
Jimmy thinks for a short while, and jumps up enthusiastically, 'Miss, Miss, my next door neighbour was painting his fence with a paintbrush and my Dad said It's going to take that contagious.'
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      04-24-2024, 01:26 AM   #1420
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Why are spiders such know-it-alls?

Because they’re always on the web.
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      05-04-2024, 01:49 AM   #1421
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A cat walks into a bar...

The bartender says "what'll you have?" The cat says "a shot of rum." The bartender pours the cat his drink. The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table. "Another."
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      05-04-2024, 05:51 AM   #1422
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What do you call a Tom Cruise film about cooking?
A Few Good Menus.
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      05-04-2024, 04:19 PM   #1423
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Today is May 4th and also Kentucky Derby day!
May the horse be with you!
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      05-05-2024, 04:45 PM   #1424
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I’ve always liked the idea of wearing a ring on my little finger so went to the Jewellers and asked if she could help me try little finger ring. She chucked me out.
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      05-06-2024, 04:50 PM   #1425
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Lori, the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you got to help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors working here, I end up in bed with him. Afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your willpower and resolve in this matter?"

"For God's sake, NO!!!" exclaimed Lori. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
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      05-07-2024, 12:10 PM   #1426
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The sugar daddy says to his sugar baby, would you still love me if I lost all my money, of course the sugar baby replies, of course I would still love you, I'd miss you, but I would still love you.
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      05-07-2024, 12:20 PM   #1427
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Why don't skeletons fight each other?

They don't have the guts!
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      05-07-2024, 03:14 PM   #1428
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A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Bimmer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
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      05-07-2024, 09:51 PM   #1429
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Esteban View Post
A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Bimmer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
A couple of years ago my wife and I stopped at a winery for dinner, and before the waiter came with the menu my wife went to the restroom.
I looked through the menu and the cheapest appetizer was $50.00, and the cheapest entrée was $120.00. I don`t remember how much a glass of wine was, but it was a crazy expensive.
When my wife got back to the table, I said to her. I hope you did #2 because when you see the menu you gonna crap your pants

We drive by that winery once an awhile and I always ask the wife if she wants to stop for dinner, and she looks at me like, "Are you for real"
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Karma is real!!!....You keep doing people dirty and being a complete asshole and think God is going to bless you. It may not be today, or tomorrow, or next week, but what goes around comes back around. And when that bitch comes for you it`ll be tenfold!
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      05-10-2024, 07:18 PM   #1430
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The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.
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