Dating - Good/Bad Experiences

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by pennsiveguy

It is indeed possible to be single and not be "on the chase." Or at least not be consumed by it.

Through the '80s (when I was in my 20's) my 5 or 6 closest friends (all motorheads) and I were intensely competitive and career-focused and mutually supportive; we inadvertently became a "boys' club" where, without any official declaration or fanfare, we all gravitated toward focusing on our careers and "doing guy stuff" and tacitly acknowledged that we weren't going to see much action on the dating front. One of the gang went through med school and his surgical residency and has a successful general surgery practice. Another guy and his brother set up a tire wholesale business. I took on a pivotal role in my family business. Three of us bought a cast-off dragster on a lark and campaigned it on the NHRA circuit to mixed results and a bunch of stories.

We spent countless hours being guys together; talking smack, bench racing, wrenching on cars, getting in heated discussions that sometimes turned to fisticuffs, drinking oceans of booze, and creating mayhem whenever/wherever we got the urge (Edgar Winter, Green Pyramid, 50 rounds of .357 ammo, and a school bus; that's all I'll say).

Those guys are on speed-dial to this day; one particular member and I have been each others' best men at our weddings.

Flash forward several years; I went through a disastrous breakup in '93 and decided that I'd had enough of the romantic chase for a while and that I'd try chasing a better version of myself instead. I poured myself into cycling and through that had an athletic renaissance that was really rewarding. I made a whole new set of lifelong friends and gained a lot of confidence in my ability to suffer, compete, and transcend.

Were there times in any of this where I found myself wishing that I had a girlfriend? Sure. Fuck yeah. But in most of those moments, I looked at the freedom I'd had and all the stories I'd gathered and the camaraderie I'd enjoyed and it seemed like a pretty good deal all-round. Still does.

Spoken like a true champion of life! Well done sir!

[213e90n51]

If you make a good egg dish for a girl or some steam some crab (buy at 99ranch). She will love you. Im TELLIN Yah

[rebekahb]

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

Thinking of dating my wife again. Usually we'd have date night once a month. Watch a movie. Pop corn. To be honest it's starting to feel the same. We used to go places. Do things. Yesterday I took her to the mall. Bought her some new sketchers and she was happy. Something we haven't done in years. Both of us were thinking it was good to mix it up. She enjoyed it. Now I'm thinking about what else we can do other than beach walks. More dates.

Interesting. My husband and I were talking about this type of thing a few hours ago. His friend called yesterday because he needed help fixing his boat. He proceeds to tell my husband he's tired of not doing anything with his wife (they have 3 kids). Their oldest 6 year old runs the household. He said he hired a babysitter and they were going for a boat ride today. A front is coming through so it's windy and chilly. Not a day for a boat ride. I told my husband. Does he really think that's what his wife wants to do on her first day without the 3 kids in almost a year?

It's so easy to get into the mundane routine of life and stop putting in the effort like when you were dating. I know I'm guilty of it.

[UncleWede]

I'm in Cali, there isn't much opportunity for a date right now.

Last night, I drove my wife over to her aunt's house, so we could inspect the plumbing work we are paying for while the aunt is recuperating from a broken hip in a rest home.

[King Rudi]

Shit, at this point I'd be happy just to be able to have a conversation with the girlfriend that doesn't end an argument. We have entered troubled waters and trying to fix things. Advise is, as always, appreciated.

Back story, everything was great until last weekend. We ran into some issues that weren't really issues, but the handling of said non-issues created massive issues. As of now, we officially broke up last Sunday. We have talked and drove each other insane for over a week now. It's crazy how quickly shit gets out of hand, over nothing.

[nyalpine90]

Originally Posted by King Rudi

Shit, at this point I'd be happy just to be able to have a conversation with the girlfriend that doesn't end an argument. We have entered troubled waters and trying to fix things. Advise is, as always, appreciated.

Back story, everything was great until last weekend. We ran into some issues that weren't really issues, but the handling of said non-issues created massive issues. As of now, we officially broke up last Sunday. We have talked and drove each other insane for over a week now. It's crazy how quickly shit gets out of hand, over nothing.

obviously some1 blew things out of proportions, now we cant go back and fix things that would be too easy.
So move forward, ask her if she's happy being your girl or not.
come clean and tell her how you feel about her. if you cant or she cant then its time to move on, it may be hard in beginning.
if not, you will be on and off for years to come.

[pennsiveguy]

Originally Posted by King Rudi

Shit, at this point I'd be happy just to be able to have a conversation with the girlfriend that doesn't end an argument. We have entered troubled waters and trying to fix things. Advise is, as always, appreciated.

Back story, everything was great until last weekend. We ran into some issues that weren't really issues, but the handling of said non-issues created massive issues. As of now, we officially broke up last Sunday. We have talked and drove each other insane for over a week now. It's crazy how quickly shit gets out of hand, over nothing.

Sounds like there's at least one issue that's lurking beneath the surface and pissing off one or both of you but the issue(s) haven't surfaced yet, so you're talking and arguing about something else as a proxy of sorts, or a distraction. Maybe one or both of you have some unmet expectations. Maybe someone's upset about something they haven't yet been able to articulate. In my own experience when I'm arguing over seemingly everything and nothing, there's something that's pissing me off that I haven't been able to identify or articulate yet.

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by pennsiveguy

Sounds like there's at least one issue that's lurking beneath the surface and pissing off one or both of you but the issue(s) haven't surfaced yet, so you're talking and arguing about something else as a proxy of sorts, or a distraction. Maybe one or both of you have some unmet expectations. Maybe someone's upset about something they haven't yet been able to articulate. In my own experience when I'm arguing over seemingly everything and nothing, there's something that's pissing me off that I haven't been able to identify or articulate yet.

The lack of communication is what gets me. Then when I try to explain how the lack of communication causes problems, then suddenly I'm an asshole. She's made it clear that she wants to be with me, but rather than talk things out and move on, she refuses to tell me what's bothering her, let's it escalate to a point where she is upset and I'm upset because she won't discuss it with me (or waits for a week or more). By the time I actually find out what's bothering her, I'm pretty well pissed off about the entire situation. Odd behavior from a couple that never had an argument for the first 3 1/2 years.

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by pennsiveguy

In my own experience when I'm arguing over seemingly everything and nothing, there's something that's pissing me off that I haven't been able to identify or articulate yet.

Its that you are an asshole and you are bothered by that realization so you are burying it deep in your subconscious. That's what you haven't been able to identify or articulate yet. I'm just being helpful here. Next time, just tell her that you are an asshole and you'll be amazed at how quickly you two find common ground to start from!

(But its true, I find that with myself too...I know little bits and pieces of what is bothering me, but it doesn't seem like any of them individually justify why I'm taking the scorched earth course of action I'm currently taking.)

Originally Posted by King Rudi

The lack of communication is what gets me. Then when I try to explain how the lack of communication causes problems, then suddenly I'm an asshole. She's made it clear that she wants to be with me, but rather than talk things out and move on, she refuses to tell me what's bothering her, let's it escalate to a point where she is upset and I'm upset because she won't discuss it with me (or waits for a week or more). By the time I actually find out what's bothering her, I'm pretty well pissed off about the entire situation. Odd behavior from a couple that never had an argument for the first 3 1/2 years.

Ah, communication. I cannot stress how important I think that is. And if it isn't occurring, well, that's a big deal I think. But I don't know (aside from what you've already done) how to show her why it is so important.

I too prefer to deal with the issue that night, though I've learned that this will almost never happen. Seems to need to "season" for a few days, then we discuss. And by discuss, I don't always mean calmly. I've also learned that when I bring up a perceived slight that bothered me, there was something I did before that which caused her to act the way she did...so there is little point in bringing up issues unless I wish to engage in a fight. Which, sometimes, I do. Because ultimately, behaviour does change, to some degree. Its just I have to go through the fight first. Which I don't enjoy.

I don't know - good luck, I hope she is able to recognize how important this is to you, but since I'm somewhat in the same boat and been beating my head against a wall it feels like, I'm not overly hopeful. You find something that works, do let me know!

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

There was an old Himalayan Yogi I met in my travels to India. He said two souls argue and shout at each other because they are distant. So they are actually shouting across a distance to be closer. What will bring you closer? People get their wires crossed. Thich Nhat Hahn a Buddhist monk said it best: "Are you sure?" So when the mind goes off on one about how she hates you or thinks you are a waste of time... is it true? Can you evidence it? The other thing is asking someone: "What can I do to make your day better?" You've probably done the apology thing unless the dust has settled. Couples argue all the time. Sometimes it can feel never ending and you might feel beat up thinking it's you or you'll never find someone... sometimes people need a breather.

You haven't stated whether you miss her and want to make a go of things. Do you? Did you enjoy her company? Did she make you a better person?

Relationships are hard:

Don't lose yourself in it though. Women come and go (or men for some). Take some headspace. Reflect on it. Pray on it if that's your thing. Give her some space. If you miss her send her some flowers. She might come back. She might not. Accept whatever happens and flow with it. Relationships are shit if you have to force them. That's a relationshit! Take some time out for yourself.

Here's hoping you get some makeup sex and if not then hey I heard Santa has three ho's!

We've talked.....at great lengths I might add. She is well aware of my feelings and I hers. The problem is the disagreements. I tend to be calm and collected and speak clearly. Her: If any disagreement is discussed, it's instantly, yelling, screaming, attitude, etc. Of course this attitude brings out the asshole in me.....I'm a scorpio, so my inner asshole is Dennis Leary on meth. We are genuinely trying to make it work. Last nights argument was over me asking her to come over and stay the night. After 2 hours of arguing, she finally came over; but the entire thing seemed strained at that point.

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

Trying to understand how an invite to stay the night can lead to an argument.

Was it something like this?

Chalking it up to interpersonal differences at the moment. I wonder what she has going on in her life unless these are true colors. How long have you known her or be courting?

Sorry, can't watch the video at the moment. It went like this: (Sunday Eve)

Me: Would you like to come stay the night?
Her: I can't sorry.
Me: Tomorrow?
Her: Do you want to come stay here?
Me: Sure, if that's what I have to do to see you, then yes.
Me on Monday after her pissing me off: I won't be coming over tonight, don't want to make things worse.

I ended up going to her house just to see her and not stay the night. Before I left, I asked if she was interested in coming to stay with me Tuesday. Because I didn't stay the night Monday, she instantly refuses. I asked her just to let me know when she might have time to see me to let me know. Armageddon ensued after.

I've known her for 20 years. She was the hot friend of the first wife, that I secretly wanted to bang back then; apparently it was the same on her end. 20 years later and divorces all around, I asked her on a date, we were naked 2 hours later and have been for the last 4 1/2 years. Everything has been great up until a few months ago. Maybe one argument a month for the last 3 months, so still nothing major, but they are getting more intense and she is getting more aggressive for whatever reason.

[pennsiveguy]

Originally Posted by Joekerr

Its that you are an asshole and you are bothered by that realization so you are burying it deep in your subconscious. That's what you haven't been able to identify or articulate yet. I'm just being helpful here. Next time, just tell her that you are an asshole and you'll be amazed at how quickly you two find common ground to start from!

(But its true, I find that with myself too...I know little bits and pieces of what is bothering me, but it doesn't seem like any of them individually justify why I'm taking the scorched earth course of action I'm currently taking.)



Ah, communication. I cannot stress how important I think that is. And if it isn't occurring, well, that's a big deal I think. But I don't know (aside from what you've already done) how to show her why it is so important.

I too prefer to deal with the issue that night, though I've learned that this will almost never happen. Seems to need to "season" for a few days, then we discuss. And by discuss, I don't always mean calmly. I've also learned that when I bring up a perceived slight that bothered me, there was something I did before that which caused her to act the way she did...so there is little point in bringing up issues unless I wish to engage in a fight. Which, sometimes, I do. Because ultimately, behaviour does change, to some degree. Its just I have to go through the fight first. Which I don't enjoy.

I don't know - good luck, I hope she is able to recognize how important this is to you, but since I'm somewhat in the same boat and been beating my head against a wall it feels like, I'm not overly hopeful. You find something that works, do let me know!

I'm not an asshole...not that you would know, since you don't know me at all. If you really think that you're an asshole, then I applaud your self-awareness but don't try to pull me into that cauldron of woe just so you'll have some company.

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by pennsiveguy

I'm not an asshole...not that you would know, since you don't know me at all. If you really think that you're an asshole, then I applaud your self-awareness but don't try to pull me into that cauldron of woe just so you'll have some company.

But misery loves company!!

I was being tongue in cheek there as it is no doubt what the girl would like to hear. I doubt you are an asshole based only on your posts which in and of themselves is really not proof either way...just an indication. But they are the only things I have to go on.

[pennsiveguy]

Originally Posted by King Rudi

The lack of communication is what gets me. Then when I try to explain how the lack of communication causes problems, then suddenly I'm an asshole. She's made it clear that she wants to be with me, but rather than talk things out and move on, she refuses to tell me what's bothering her, let's it escalate to a point where she is upset and I'm upset because she won't discuss it with me (or waits for a week or more). By the time I actually find out what's bothering her, I'm pretty well pissed off about the entire situation. Odd behavior from a couple that never had an argument for the first 3 1/2 years.

I think it's okay to wait a bit to bring up something that's pissing you off. But it's not okay to stew about something for days and then launch into a tirade.

I'm reflecting back on an uncomfortable exchange with my previous girlfriend, where she said something hurtful and perplexing completely out of left field that I needed a little time to process. About a half-hour later she said "Hey, you've been quiet...is everything okay?" At which point the conversation commenced, regarding what she'd said. I didn't want to over-react in the moment that the hurtful words tumbled out of her mouth, and say anything that I couldn't take back. We had a conversation then, wherein I described what had offended me and she offered her customary non-apology ("I totally disavow any responsibility for anything that I said that offended you; but I'm definitely sorry for having to have this uncomfortable conversation where you call me out on what I said and how it pissed you off.").

[pennsiveguy]

Originally Posted by Joekerr

But misery loves company!!

I was being tongue in cheek there as it is no doubt what the girl would like to hear. I doubt you are an asshole based only on your posts which in and of themselves is really not proof either way...just an indication. But they are the only things I have to go on.

No decent, mature, self-aware woman with the least shred of humility would insist that a man concede that he's an asshole. No man with any self-respect would offer such a concession. If that's how things work in your experience, then you and I have very little common experience about which to converse.

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by pennsiveguy

No decent, mature, self-aware woman with the least shred of humility would insist that a man concede that he's an asshole. No man with any self-respect would offer such a concession. If that's how things work in your experience, then you and I have very little common experience about which to converse.

Mea culpa.

I intended it to be humourous and it is clear that either my choice of wording or the subject matter itself was poorly chosen. For the offense conveyed, I apologize, as it was not my intention and hopefully I will craft responses better in the future.

[King Rudi]

I've ran the gambit of asking questions of "What can I do?", "Is there something I'm missing?" etc. As of now, I've played all the concerned boyfriend cards that I'm going to play. I've learned in past relationships that humility and vulnerability are important, but going full retard will get you viewed as weak and then everything changes. Being a man is synonymous with being an asshole, regardless of whether or not we are indeed assholes. I love her and I know that she loves me. I honestly think that she is worried about the depth of our relationship and she is concerned about getting hurt by me. I'm a different man now, but herein lies roughly 338 pages of exactly why she should be concerned about being hurt by me. I've had quite the past with the ladies, however; my mindset is different these days. I'm only concerned with her and what she needs from me. I'm sure things will get better soon. It's Christmas, she has three kids, she just got a promotion at work and is currently training for her new position (which has her stressed), her mom is driving her insane and her ex-husband is nothing shy of a 40 year child, who goes out of his way to make her life harder than it needs to be due to his own insecurities.

[JP10]

Time and space. If you both feel the same everything will work out eventually. Hakuna Matata.

[pennsiveguy]

Originally Posted by King Rudi

I've ran the gambit of asking questions of "What can I do?", "Is there something I'm missing?" etc. As of now, I've played all the concerned boyfriend cards that I'm going to play. I've learned in past relationships that humility and vulnerability are important, but going full retard will get you viewed as weak and then everything changes. Being a man is synonymous with being an asshole, regardless of whether or not we are indeed assholes. I love her and I know that she loves me. I honestly think that she is worried about the depth of our relationship and she is concerned about getting hurt by me. I'm a different man now, but herein lies roughly 338 pages of exactly why she should be concerned about being hurt by me. I've had quite the past with the ladies, however; my mindset is different these days. I'm only concerned with her and what she needs from me. I'm sure things will get better soon. It's Christmas, she has three kids, she just got a promotion at work and is currently training for her new position (which has her stressed), her mom is driving her insane and her ex-husband is nothing shy of a 40 year child, who goes out of his way to make her life harder than it needs to be due to his own insecurities.

It's noble and admirable and endearing to admit your shortcomings and missteps. I aspire to have the humility to own my failings. We're all inspired by someone who "fesses-up" and comes clean. Humility is so becoming.

But recognize that there's a difference between accepting your contribution to "the shit" and accepting sole or primary blame for "the shit" because the other person isn't ready to own their share of it.

And the past is...the past. You both have one. We all do. We're not 15 any more. Focus forward, not backwards.

[rebekahb]

Originally Posted by pennsiveguy

And the past is...the past. You both have one. We all do. We're not 15 any more. Focus forward, not backwards.

I think for some people it's very easy to do this and I for one admire people who can let shit go easily. I feel like relationships of any form could cut out 3/4 of the bs if they followed this.

King Rudi it sounds like she has some buried shit she's never dealt with and the stress you mentioned has possibly exacerbated it. Also, it's not of any help that she can't recognize and own it. You can't make anyone happy until they deal with whatever they are wrestling with inside. I think at this point it sounds like you have to decide whether or not you want to continue to ride that train. The one thing you shouldn't do is concede to her inability to own her shit. Her actions will continue and you will just end up on a hamster wheel of fights that are truly a waste of time.

[longm1985]

Originally Posted by pennsiveguy

And the past is...the past. You both have one. We all do. We're not 15 any more. Focus forward, not backwards.

Holy crap is this true. Draw from it to make better decisions moving forward, but don't dwell on it.

Thanks to all my mental health issues, I have such a bad memory that many chunks of my past are gone and if my wife has done anything really that bad I have no recollection of it. I'm sure she appreciates this.

[CTinline-six]

I am an asshole.



Seriously though, I hope things get better.